I have been reading this booked called Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love, and Lose at Both, by Laura Sessions Stepp. The book talks about the “hook up” culture among today’s students and how it is creating a generation of “unhooked” emerging adults. Although she mainly deals with college students, I think her observations and conclusions about the “hookup culture” effect all of adolescence, and needs to be addressed at all developmental stages. She says:
“Young people have virtually abandoned dating and replaced it with group get-togethers and sexual behaviors that are detached from love or commitment–and sometimes even from liking. Relationships have been replaced by the casual sexual encounters known as hookups…Hooking up’s defining characteristic is the ability to unhook from a partner at any time.”
While there is more to say about the content of this book and the fascinating conclusions Stepp came to, this is only part one.
Part two came shortly after I started reading this book. I was having a conversation with one of the young adults in our church, and the conversation turned to his relationship with his girlfriend. I felt that I had a good enough relationship with this guy that I could ask him how he and his girlfriend’s sexual relationship was like. Now, I have to preface when I asked him how they were doing physically, I come from the perspective where this means, “How are you two doing in protecting your sexual purity?” He looked at me puzzled and asked, “What do you mean?” Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he didn’t clearly understand my question, I clarified I meant are they holding themselves accountable in the physical side of their relationship. He them responded, “I think I have a different idea of physical purity than you do.” As we discussed more in-depth his idea of sexual purity, I walked away thinking about sex and sexuality, and how it affects youth ministry today.
I am not sure what your volunteer base is like in your ministry, but at The Element, we are fortunate to have many young adults volunteering with our students. Young adults similar to the age of the young person I was speaking with earlier. It got me looking at our volunteers and I couldn’t help but wonder: What is their view of sex and sexuality? Is it similar? What are their boundaries? Are their boundaries similar to the hookup culture where it could be anything from kissing to oral sex to intercourse? How do they define “sexual purity”? What if I were to find out that some of our young adult volunteers were engaging in sexual activity privately and secretly? What should my response be? Should they immediately be dismissed as volunteers?
I ask these questions because I think the deeper issue is: What happens when theology meets practice? Sure we can say that people involved in premarital sex are sinners just as the one who is angry with his brother or sister is a sinner. We can say that God loves them as a sinner, but hates the sin. We can say that they have been saved by grace, and they can still be a part of God’s community called the church. But what happens when we start talking about leadership? What happens when they want to volunteer to work with children? What happens when you find out a girl leading a high school small group for four years has been having oral sex with her boyfriend of three years, and she doesn’t think it’s necessarily wrong? What happens when your 7th grade male leader tells you that he struggles with pornography? Or your 6th grade girl leader often masturbates because “it’s not hurting anyone”?
Some questions I have been wrestling with and would love to get your input on:
- Do you notice the same conclusions about the “unhooked”-ness of the late adolescent and emerging adult generations?
- How do their views and experiences of sex and sexuality effect their ability or “qualification” to lead younger students?
- With kids today being busier, stressed, and over-scheduled, how do we avoid the same pitfalls of becoming “unhooked”?
- How would you deal with some of the questions discusses earlier regarding leaders of students and their sexual experiences?
February 26, 2008 at 10:41 pm
That protection mechanism of being emotionally detached from relationships is an issue pervasive of several age groups. Addressing it at a fundamental stage is necessary but if your leaders are suffering from the same behavioral detachment in their romantic relationships…. Must you first address these issues with leaders before addressing it in your youth group??
February 26, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Great thought Corrie. I agree with you. I think that is the challenge because we can no longer assume “sexual purity” means the same thing cross generations. While the physical aspect of sex is the most obvious, I don’t think we have adequately addressed the emotional and spiritual importance of sex partially because the emotional and spiritual aspects of sexuality is not as easy to quantify or identify.
February 29, 2008 at 1:24 am
This is suc a hard topic. A while back I had two Jr. High moms approach me asking if I could do something with their sons to talk about sexual purity. I told them my plans for doing a parent child conference/seminar on what it means to be a man or a woman, next school year. Men would meet together and woman would meet together. They wanted me to do something now! I think it is imperative we get parents educating and talking to their kids about these issues. The more open their family is taking about sex the more open they will be in sharing about their struggles and seeking help. How do we engage parents in this process?
March 10, 2008 at 3:16 pm
RO – actually, I’ve been quite amazed recently with how sex is viewed even inside the church. I’ve met a number of young people, people who are getting married – who don’t view living together and sleeping together before marriage as even something worth discussing. Sex is passe. And I’ve seen some of the horrible ramifications of this general opinion down the road and it’s scary.
As for where to address it with leaders – I think that’s exactly where to begin. That whole “mentoring leaders” part of YM is the place to start. Making sure that every issue is on the table – that they feel comfortable to be honest and that you’re willing to not only model but discuss standards and encourage them – dare I say require them. Every time I think of standards I think of Mosaic in LA and their whole “raising the bar” idea of membership. They found people didn’t shy away but stepped up.
In general, I think whether it’s the leaders or kids, modeling that behaviour, teaching them how to “date” and relate to the opposite sex in a way that doesn’t include an orgasm is huge. A dad teaching his daughter how to date, but taking her out on daddy-daughter dates – or vice versa. And especially, teaching young boys how to become “men” – it’s a lost art. But if we don’t have a framework (theological, social, psychological) for sexuality with which to work from that is healthy, it will be nearly impossible to teach this to kids or youth.
March 17, 2008 at 3:59 am
[...] by RO Smith under Unhooked, hooking up, sexuality About a week and a half ago, I posted on what the “unhooked” culture means for youth ministry. As I finished reading the book Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both, [...]